The 48 reasons that I’m apparently ‘not’ a runner.


So here are Running Warehouse’s ’50 Signs you are a runner’.

While the list didn’t infuriate me, I was surprised to find that of the 50, I scored a total of about ‘2’.  I’ve not done this badly in a test since Mrs Oswald, our history teacher, decided one day to walk around the class as we took our mini exams so we couldn’t keep the books open on our laps.

  • You “accidentally” run on your rest day. 
  • Nope
  • You never seem to quite catch up on your laundry pile of running clothes.
  • Nope
  • You have some pretty serious sunglasses tanlines.
  • nope
  • You have at least one photo of you dripping with sweat on your refrigerator.
  • Nope – that’s disgusting
  • You’ve been chased by a dog and lived to tell the tale.
  • I must’ve missed this particular pleasure
  • You’ve had someone scream “run, Forrest, run” at you from a passing car.
  • nope – though some kids did shout ‘nice shoes’, when I was barefooting in Lewisham, once
  • You run so early that the coffee shops aren’t even open.
  • never
  • You judge songs you hear by how motivating they’d be on the run.
  • real runners don’t need music to entertain them.
  • You’re kind of addicted to your Garmin.
  • that’s weird
  • You dream about running.
  • never have – although I did once dream about having bananas for feet
  • You write nastygrams when the manufacturer inevitably changes your favorite shoe.
  • sad
  • You daydream about the trails while at work.
  • I do sometimes look out of the car window in a lecherous manner and think ‘phwoar, I’d love to run up there.’
  • You’ve got one of those race distance bumper stickers on your car.
  • no – I have a sticker that says I’ve been to Lundy – does that count?
  • You find yourself gravitating toward hills, just for the challenge.
  • no – the route is the route
  • You spend an inordinate percentage of your monthly income on running gear.
  • no – my mortgage
  • You get a thrill from plotting your course on MapMyRun.
  • no – I do it on the run
  • You consider a port-a-potty a luxury.
  • happy to say I don’t know what that is
  • Your cupboards are always well-stocked with pasta, quinoa and oatmeal.
  • not for that reason
  • Your buddy wants to set you up on a blind date and your first question is, ‘do they run?’
  • no – are we even talking about the same sport?
  • You start asking for running gear and gift cards (to the ‘House, of course) as presents.
  • no!  book tokens, maybe.
  • You get up before the birds to fit in a double day workout.
  • NEVER!!!
  • It’s too damn hot. You go for a run anyway.
  • hmmm… probably
  • It’s too damn cold. You go for a run anyway.
  • perhaps
  • You’re a woman who has far more sports bras than regular bras.
  • I have exactly the same number of sports bras and normal bras
  • You know how far you ran without using a map or GPS watch.
  • YES!!!!  At last!!!! Yes!!!!! I do!!!
  • You don’t think a blackened toenail is all that big a deal.
  • I do, and they’re gross
  • You found a coworker who runs and you nag them regularly about lunch runs.
  • Why would you want to run with someone else?
  • Your next vacation spot was chosen for its great trails.
  • no, partner do me in.
  • You’ll spend $100 (or more) to race on roads you could run for free.
  • don’t race
  • Your friends have pool noodles. You have a foam roller.
  • I don’t know what pool noodles are, but I do have a foam roller
  • You’ve had so much sweat in your eyes, you could barely see.
  • my thick Irish eyebrows help
  • The first race you finished was one of the best experiences of your life.
  • London marathon 2012 – it was
  • The most recent race you finished was one of the best experiences of your life.
  • Only done that one race
  • You look forward to a rainy day so you can bliss out on your run.
  • not really
  • You hit the golf course frequently, but don’t golf.
  • no – golf courses are not pretty places.
  • You compare your latest injuries with other runners.
  • no – too depressing
  • “A good day at work” means you got a run in over lunch.
  • no, it doesn’t
  • You use the word “only” in front of a mile distance you used to think was far.
  • respect the mileage
  • You don’t run for two days and start to go stir-crazy.
  • get real
  • You have an opinion about running on concrete vs. pavement.
  • I prefer concrete
  • You’ve mastered the subtle nod/wave when you pass other runners.
  • Londoners don’t do this
  • You have a whole stash of ice bags in your freezer.
  • no – gin and vodka bottles take up all the space
  • You find yourself gravitating toward running metaphors.
  • It is best to avoid running metaphors in the long run
  • You have enough race t-shirts to insulate a small cabin.
  • no, just one
  • Icy Hot is your version of perfume/cologne.
  • ???
  • You’re frequently recruiting friends who don’t run to try and get them hooked.
  • I’m not a converter
  • You have fond memories of bygone shoes.
  • I think I probably do
  • Your running gear is the first thing you pack for any trip.
  • no, asthma inhalers
  • You don’t even remember what you did with your free time before you started running.
  • oh yes I do.
  • You’ll never give it up until you’re broken.
  • that sounds horrid.

Who are the people that write these things, that try to take ownership of an activity that’s meant for all of us?

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